Marching Bands of Manhattan

So first of all, don't take this as me praising the act... i'm praising the motive behind it...

i don't know what to call it, there is probably some great word out there on the top of my tongue but i'm jsut too tired to think about what it might be. But the drive that it takes to decide something and stick to it. How is it that there are these people who commit suicide, become anorexic, do these outrageous things? how do they stay motivated, how can they be so serene about the outcome of their decision? I admire them because i have no motivation. I can't do what they do, i wonder how i'm going to make it through a week, much less how i'm going to make it through a semester or to get a college degree... so i admire these people, not because they take what some would call the cowards way out, but because they have a drive to accomplish it and nothing is going to stop them... i want that... i want it so badly... because i don't want to be the one here still wondering whether she chose the right major, whether she made the right decision in going to a school that is so fucking easy to get into and didn't try harder, i don't want to be the girl who once again settled for a guy who couldn't support her in ANYTHING, even music choices.

So i'm still here, pissed off at counselors who seem to have lead me astray and gave me hope that i was going to get my AA over the summer, but have today decided to tell me that i need one more class... which just so happens to be waitlisted right now... and in my heart of hearts i know that the person i should really be mad at is me, because i didn't stay on top of things, i didn't ask the right questions, and god damn it sometimes i feel as though i didn't care enough... and all i want to do right now is care, care about something... care about a guy, care about school, care about a friend... i can't care about anything right now... and it really sucks to be motivated for anything when you can't find something to be motivated about...